Oh yeah, I have a Tumblr…
So I was with some friends today, and one of them, female, was going on about how awful her boyfriend was, and how she was going to break up with him because she apparently thought he was cheating on her (he wasn’t.) I know her boyfriend, he’s a good guy, very funny, and very honest. I, along with my friends, tried to calm her down and explain how he’s a good person, and to not break up with him, but she would have none of it. She called him up right then and there and blurted her frustrations to him over the phone, finally ending the conversation with a firm “We’re over” before hanging up. This made everyone at the table uncomfortable and uneasy, just thinking about what our friends now ex boyfriend was going through. NOT THREE MINUTES LATER, the woman that our friend thought was having an affair with her boyfriend walked in, and after our friend approached her about the situation, the woman replied with “What? Him? Really? Oh God no, I never had a fling with him,” which put a very sad look on our friends face. And the best part is, after that happened, she (our friend) turned too abruptly around to the booth in the restaraunt we were at, tripped, and fell right into some spilled spaghetti, to which I stood up and said to her “OH, YOU WANT SOME SPAGHETTI WITH THAT CHICKEN KARMASEAN?!”
Dear Christmas Fairy,
All I want this year is for my mommy to finally dump Chad, he’s been lingering and he uses all our tools.
These are some helpful tips and tricks to making the most of your most likely boring-ass life! Here we go.
- Have sex with AT LEAST 2.5-3 women PER DAY, for up to five (5) hours each.
- Drink plenty of fluids. (Excluding water, milk, orange juice, any type of Kool-Aid, POM Wonderful, bear dew [don’t ask], milkshakes, tea, ice tea, lemon juice, and of course alcoholic beverages)
- Make sure to drink PLENTY of alcoholic beverages. (Including rum, whiskey, ales, lagers, tequila, bourbon, martinis, scotch, beer, Zema, and of course Keystone Light, because it’s so smooth)
- Watch AT LEAST three (3) awful 1950s science fiction films PER DAY. (One of these films must be “The Day The Earth Stood Still,” no exceptions)
- Play Monopoly with up to five (5) of your closest friends EVERY DAY, and if you have no friends, you should play Risk by yourself for AT LEAST ten (10) hours PER DAY until you find some. Friends, that is.
- Bacon. That’s it, just bacon.
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO (2)!!
I’ve been pondering this question for some time now, and have reached a conclusion. Over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve been steadily gaining Twitter followers, but in the last couple of days, I have noticed that my follower count has taken a downturn. Now, don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t care less about having millions of followers and becoming famous, but I can’t help but ask myself if my losing devoted followers has something to do with me being gut-bustingly hilarious. I understand. Some people just can’t handle the level I’m at. It’s like, Louis CK here *hand at horizontal angle below waist* and me here *hand at horizontal angle above head* Maybe I’m just too demanding. That can’t be it. I rarely ask people for anything except money and shelter. Maybe I’m just like my father, too bold. Nope, he’s dead, unlike my amazing jokes. So, the only logical answer is that I’m too funny. Oh well, I guess some people just don’t get it. Hmm, that can’t be it either, everybody gets my jokes.
I can honestly say that being from Ohio has prepared me for anything life may throw at me. Like winter. Yeah, winter. And summer. Summer too. And living in a major city, such as Chicago or New York. Living in Ohio has definitely prepared me for living in a major city such as Chicago or New York. Also, jobs. Ohio has prepared me for many jobs. Like Chicago or New York. Summer too. I gotta go now and feed my dog. Yeah, winter.
“A watched pot never boils”? Well duh, pots don’t just boil on their own. What, did you think pots could just spontaneously boil themselves out of thin air? I think you mean “Watched water never boils.” Moron. You’re a dumbbutt.